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It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you
I keep my mind occupied with things to do.
It isn’t the answer for my prayers-
It’s the way I suppress the pain I bare.
Don’t talk, don’t think, don’t crack a smile-
For everyone will see through your mask of denial.
Not for you, not for me
Could I be the best I could be.
Not for me, not for you
Would this truth I elude.
I sit here in silence, that is what I pray
But instead thoughts of you cloud up my head.
It is I that I cannot see
Who am I without you? Who am I supposed to be?
I live in furry and rage, I live in hell
Yet they say this is a place I should not dwell.
I miss you,
I mourn you,
I hate you,
I lie.
Sometimes I can’t breath-
If I could only,
For a moment,
Have you with me.
I feel - I think
I hope - I dream
My heart deep inside no longer would scream.
In anger,
In pain,
In torment,
In vain-
My life becomes an unbearable strain.
My grief,
My sorrow,
So much could they die-
Yet they thrash, and they crash, they rip me inside
Till I’m falling and bawling-
No longer alive.
Instead all that sits inside the shell that they see
Is hatred AND violence, not tran-quil-lity.
Know me they don’t because if they did
They’d want to commit me, for what’s in my head.
It’s evil,
It’s malice,
It’s full of desire
To burn down your enemies with a glair of fire.
It’s not you,
It’s me,
This is what I should believe.
But it’s him, and it’s them
That are the disease.
They’re wasteful, not want-full
They bow at your knees-
To take you; forsake you
Till they make you bleed.
Tears and sweat at a million degrees
What more could they want from someone like me?
But alas we are back to the original quandary-
If not you-
If not me-
Who am I supposed to be?
I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine, God said,
For you to love the while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or forty-two or three,
But will you, 'til I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you. And should her stay be brief,
You'll always have your memories as solace in your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.
I've looked this whole world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the folk that crowd life's lane, I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love and not think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again.
I fancy that I heard them say, 'Dear God Thy will be done',
For all the joys this child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for all the happiness we've ever known, we'll ever grateful stay.
But should the angels call her much sooner than we'd planned,
We will brace the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
God's Lent Child
Dedicated to Rani Adena Goodgame
The causes of life are a mystery to me
they leave behind memories, painful and bittersweet.
At age two, the world was filled with innocence and the world unknown
who would have known how fast I would have had to have grown.
The years passed by fast, faster now that I recall.
We were always together, side by side and experience by experience.
Bat Mitzvahs, slumber parties, Halloweens that had past so fast
just like our innocence and childhood that was not steadfast.
We grew up too quick and the fights became many, but we always remained loyal and true,
for you were the light in my life that always saw me through-
I am sorry that all we had was torn and shredded into bits.
With the choice that you were given, we went our separate ways.
I often thought about what we had and how special and once in a lifetime that it was.
We were to grow old together, share an apartment, have a double wedding.
You were to be the godmother of my future children and I of yours.
Now, that all seems decades ago and I long for the day that I can see you again.
I remember that awful night where all our fates would change.
I received a call and could not believe that in an instant you were taken from my world with so much left unsaid.
I wanted to tell you that I was sorry and that I still loved you,
but now these words lay mute.
When I saw you laying there, you looked so beautiful and for once in a long time, you looked so peaceful.
It didn’t have to happen this way, it shouldn’t have had to happen this way!
What happened to growing old together,
you left me to fend for my own in this cruel heartless world.
Why?! I should have gone with you because the pain is too much.
Although it is four years, my heart still aches as it did on the day you went away.
Only if I could see you again, see your smile again, hear your laugh again.
You were my everything and the world has robbed me of my right to my only true friend.
Only if you could come back to me, there is so much I want to say.
I wait in my sleep for you to arrive, but you never show.
I have tried my best to let you go so that you can rest in peace,
I know that you know I am doing all that I can-
but without you life is a struggle that will never give me relief.
You were what made me whole, you were my life.
Now all I have are these painful, bittersweet memories
of how life used to be for you and me.
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